Saturday, September 09, 2006

The past unfolds in front of me…

Out of sheer boredom, I rummaged my old journal in search of a good read entry. I was laughing at myself on some of the crazy entries I wrote. Some cheesy, stupid and useless stuffs…I can’t believe I wrote those...haha! Maybe because I knew nobody or only a few people would care to read my journal. That’s why I was brazen enough to write the stupidest things I could ever think about…and even curse out in the open! Hahaha! So in short, that journal was my only outlet of all my mental-watchamacallits. It’s where I get to be this crazy and insane bitch regardless of what people think of me. (Did I just say that word??)

There was one entry which made me want to hit myself in the head though. After reading through it, I felt like a fool…I felt like an absolute idiot for even feeling that way. I know we all feel the need to let go of emotions, everyone of us each have our own “crazy-moments” in life. Life wouldn’t be so fun and exciting if it weren’t for those crazy moments… and you realize that when you grow up, you can only look back to those things and laugh at how foolish it has been to actually waste time and effort for those senseless things. But hey, it’s part of life… of growing up… and we can only embrace it or go against it.

Here’s what I wrote in that journal… an open-letter to my ex:

Dear C,

i don't know what to say as I write these words....I may sound a bit foolish or stupid. I don't care anymore... It's been so hard for me to accept that you are out of my life now, and into someone else's arms. Funny, but wasn't it just like a month ago when we were together and sharing dreams of tomorrow? How could I have been so blind to fall for you? You made me look so stupid. I want to hate you so much! So much that I wish you'd burn right this instant. You cannot blame me for feeling this. I try to be tough and just shrug this matter off me. I try to move on and unload this burden I’m carrying...but no matter how i try to forget you, no matter how i try to move on, there will always be things that remind me of you. There will always be something...
It may be cowardly of me to write about these stuffs in the net instead of facing you. But I can't face you yet. Not right now. I wouldn't know what to do to you. I just keep all these emotions bottled up that i might find myself bursting out one day. And I know it's not healthy. You never heard not a word from me after we broke up. I figured it is of no use to talk to you anymore. Friends? you still want to be friends with me? That’s bullshit! pure bullshit! And what good will it bring me if we'll remain friends??
that's just so stupid of you!
I just hope one day Karma gets back at you...and if u ever hear the song "i don't want to be your friend" by Nina...then you know it's dedicated to you...
--yOu think i'm so tough, but i just never let you see me cry----
~moi~

Can you believe that? I can’t believe I wrote that…really. It sounds pathetic to me..haha! but at least it is an honest letter…too bad he never really had the chance to read it…

Speaking of Exes…

This very same Ex of mine to whom that open-letter is addressed to turned a year older on Thursday, Sept. 7…3 days after my birthday…isn’t that pretty funny? That’s why he is the most unforgettable ex…coz I know our birthdays are just days apart…haha! Kidding aside, he is the one of the most unforgettable exes because he is the only a**hole to had the guts to cheat on me! And the only guy to ever break up with me! Grrrr! Do I still love him? Naaah… let’s just say, that no matter what I do, I cannot just deny the fact that once in my life, he became a part of me. And the memories will always be there…they may fade, yes, but not that easily…I can’t force the memories to fade right away. Are we friends? Hmmm…I can’t honestly say we’re friends right now… And I think It’s better this way. Maybe one thing which makes it easier for me to talk about things like this more openly now is the fact that I know I no longer feel anything for my ex. I’ve finally moved on.

And I’m much happier with who I have right now. I can’t ask for more. He brings out the best in me. He makes me smile…and with him I know that I don’t have a need to be insecure. Because he loves me… that alone assures me a lot and so much more.





4 Comments:

Blogger Chas Ravndal said...

We all have that kind of open letter. I had one for my ex. Anyway, girl you will find the guy that is right for you

Blogger babymoi said...

thanks chas! i think i found him already..hehe! :)

Blogger Alternati said...

Haayy.. I come across THOSE letter everytime I open my "emotional" shoebox hidden in my closet. All I can say is if you can laugh at the letters you wrote you're over the guy you wrote it to.

hehe

Blogger babymoi said...

alternati--heheh! hey! i also have a so called "emotional" shoebox..hehe! filled with all those cheesy letters of the past.. :P

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